THE STORY At their fifth debate last night, GOP candidates spread hope and good holiday cheer over talks about terrorism and national security crises. WHAT DO I NEED TO KNOW? That this was the first debate since the terror attacks in Paris, and this month’s shooting in San Bernardino, CA. And that it kept viewers riveted over things like “metadata.” Other table topics included how much the US gov. should be able to spy on American citizens, what to do with Syrian refugees , and how to generally deal with the hot mess that is ISIS. BREAK IT DOWN. Gov. John Kasich (OH)…as in the one whose daughter just wants everyone to get along. He wants to know why global leaders just went to Paris to talk about climate change when they should have been figuring out how to take down ISIS. Carly Fiorina…as in the one who’s “been called every B-word in the book.” She once stopped a truck full of equipment for the NSA — because why not? — and thinks Silicon Valley would help the US gov. with cyber security if the gov. says “please” and “thank you.” Sen. Marco Rubio (FL)…as in the one who thinks Americans who join ISIS don’t need to be read their Miranda rights. He questioned why Cruz once voted to rein in the NSA. But he doesn’t want to talk about it too much because…Shhh classified. Dr. Ben Carson…as in the one who started with a moment of silence. And kept it going all night. After complaining about not getting enough time, he got asked whether he’d be “OK with the deaths of thousands of innocent children and civilians” in the fight against ISIS. It got awkward. Donald Trump…as in the one who wants to penetrate…the Internet. In between telling Bush that his campaign is a massive fail, Trump also had a bone to pick with CNN moderators, who he said were too busy pitting him, Bush, and everyone else against each other. Sen. Ted Cruz (TX)…as in the one who got put in timeout after talking out of turn. He really likes calling ISIS ‘the bad guys,’ and says the moderate rebels the US is trying to arm in the Mideast are “purple unicorns.” Which apparently don’t exist. Dreams, crushed. Fmr. Gov. Jeb Bush (FL)…as in the one who finally stood up to the Trump in the room. He says Trump can’t just insult his way into the White House, and the US needs “serious” leadership. Gov. Chris Christie (NJ)…as in the one who wants to remind you that the world is real scary right now. And he thinks President Obama is a “feckless weakling” for his strategy against ISIS. He wants a no-fly zone over Syria, and thinks the president should be someone who used to be a federal prosecutor. PS: He used to be a federal prosecutor. Sen. Rand Paul (KY)…as in the one who thinks Trump’s proposal to crush ISIS by killing their family members is a little thing called ‘unconstitutional.’ He also thinks Christie’s proposal for a no-fly zone in Syria would create World War III. Ain’t nobody got time for that. theSKIMM Welcome to what may be the biggest issue of this election: national security. Last night was the last GOP debate this year, and the one that felt the most like a job interview. Since ‘keep me safe’ is high up on the list of things everyone cares about. | 
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