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Skimm for January 11th

Skimm’d with a dog

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“$1.3 billion” – Since no one won the Powerball lottery over the weekend, this is the new jackpot. That’s before taxes. So you’d only be able to buy a few private islands.

THE ONE WHERE THEY CAN DRINK

THE STORY

Last night, the British Michael Scott had a few and then decided to host the Golden Globes.

WHO LOOKED GOOD?

J. Law went as a movie star. Don Draper went as himself. Olivia got Wilde. Kate Bosworth was shining, shimmering, splendid. Cookie was white hot. Sam Smith’s tux gave you all the feels. Two truths and a lie: Lady Gaga did not wear meat. Laverne Cox did not wear orange. Jonah Hill did not wear a bear on his head.

WHO DIDN’T?

Daenerys Targaryen went dark. Amy Schumer went as a black and white cookie. Jane Fonda wore her bedskirt. Rooney Mara showed up as “The Girl Who Went Through the Paper Shredder.” Channing Tatum forgot to wash out his conditioner. Kate Hudson. Yes, you read that correctly.

WHAT DO I NEED TO SEE?

“The Martian” because Matt Damon. “Mad Max” because apparently it isn’t as bad as you thought. “The Revenant” because it’s time to stop avoiding it. “Mozart in the Jungle,” because Amazon is the new black. “Mr. Robot” because you always wanted to take a coding class.

ANYTHING ELSE?

There were a lot of funny moments, but you couldn’t hear them because they were bleeped out. The star of “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” accepted her award in character. Ben Affleck wasn’t there, but Ricky Gervais made infidelity jokes anyway. He also apparently didn’t care about talking to Mel Gibson ever again. Jon Hamm won his last award as Don Draper. Lady Gaga won for “American Horror Story” and scared Leo on her way up. Taraji P. Henson said ‘you guys want some coookies?’ Denzel forgot his glasses but kept his bada*s status. J.Law beat Amy for Best Actress in a comedy or musical. But they’re still besties. Leo checked off the Best Actor win again. TBD on whether Oscar cares.

REPEAT AFTER ME...

WHAT PEOPLE ARE SADDENED BY…

David Bowie. The legendary pop singer known for hits like “Let’s Dance” and “Changes” died yesterday at the age of 69. The singer had been battling cancer for 18 months, but never talked publicly about it. Bowie - who was known for constantly reinventing himself as an artist - released his last album “Blackstar” on Friday. He was also set to be honored at Carnegie Hall this spring with a major concert. Bowie was married to the international model Iman for more than 20 years. He had one daughter with Iman and a son from a previous marriage. Overnight, his son tweeted “Very sorry and sad to say it’s true. I’ll be offline for a while. Love to all.”

WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR FRIEND WHO SPENT AN ENTIRE WEEKEND BINGE WATCHING “NARCOS”...

Art, meet life. On Friday, Mexican authorities said ‘great news: we found El Chapo.’ On Saturday, Sean Penn said ‘great news: so did I.’ El Chapo: the billionaire sometimes mustachioed drug kingpin who last year escaped from prison (again) through a hole in his shower . Turns out, while Mexican authorities were conducting a massive, expensive, country-wide search, Penn managed to track El Chapo down by reaching out to a Mexican actress who he’d been in touch with. The two of them field tripped to El Chapo’s jungle hideout and interviewed him for a casual seven hours. All of which is detailed in a piece Penn wrote for Rolling Stone that reads like the script for an “Apocalypse Now” spoof. The highlights? El Chapo says he supplies “more heroin, methamphetamine, cocaine and marijuana than anybody else in the world,” and that he wanted his new friends to make a movie of his life. #StayHumble. Now, the big guy’s in prison and may be extradited to the US. The same prison he escaped from last time.

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR BOYFRIEND SIDES WITH YOUR MOM…

So it’s gonna be like that. Yesterday, the US flew a B-52 bomber over South Korea. That’s the plane that’s capable of carrying nuclear weapons. Refresher: last week, North Korea claimed it tested a hydrogen bomb, which is kinda like the Regina George of nuclear bombs. The US said ‘we don’t really believe you,’ but the idea of any sort of NK nuclear test caused an international freak out and even higher tensions with the country’s southern neighbors. South Korea reactivated loudspeakers that broadcast anti-North propaganda into North Korea. Yesterday’s B-52 flyover was the US’s way of saying ‘don’t mess with us’ to the North and ‘we got your back’ to the South. The two Koreas have technically been at war since the 1950s, and North Korea has repeatedly threatened nuclear war against anyone who talks smack about it. The US is hoping the flyover makes Kim Jong-un’s hair stand up more than it already does.

WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR FRIEND WHO SLEEPS IN HER TEAM’S JERSEY...

Long weekend. It was the start of the NFL playoffs, with eight “wild card” teams fighting for a shot at Super Bowl glory. Hug a Texans fan today. They lost 30-0 to the Kansas City Chiefs. The Pittsburgh Steelers managed to edge out the Cincinnati Bengals in the last minutes of the game, but not before Steelers star Antonio Brown took a hard knock to the head . Meanwhile, the Seattle Seahawks and the Minnesota Vikings said ‘I can’t feel my face’ while playing in one of the coldest NFL games ever. The Seahawks took home the W. And the Green Bay Packers beat the Washington Redskins. On deck: top college ballers Clemson and Alabama face-off tonight in the College Football Playoff national championship.

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU’VE ALREADY GIVEN UP ON YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS…

Not a good start to 2016. Last week, German police said almost 100 women reported being either robbed or sexually assaulted in the city of Cologne on New Year’s Eve. And then yesterday, authorities there said ‘flip it and reverse it ,’ the number of criminal complaints from that night is now reportedly more like 500. Police described the men who carried out the attacks as looking “Arab or North African,” which led many to wonder whether the suspects could be migrants or refugees who recently came to the country. The EU has been dealing with a little thing called the migrant and refugee crisis , and Germany has been the most welcoming country - letting in more than one million migrants and refugees last year. German Chancellor Angela Merkel was praised for how she handled the crisis at first. But after last week’s attacks, many are debating whether or not that open-door attitude is a dangerous idea.

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR FRIEND HAS TWO DONUTS BEFORE HITTING THE GYM…

Well that’s one way to carbo-load. Here’s another.

THING TO KNOW

Living in the red: You made your shopping list, you checked it twice, and now you have no money. ‘In the red’ is when those shoes you bought cost more than all the money in your bank account. Aka your financial report card has a scarlet letter ‘D’ on it for debt. New Year’s resolution time: make 2016 the year of ‘yes’ - meaning yes, what’s coming into your wallet is more than what’s going out.

SKIMM BIRTHDAYS

*indicates Skimm’bassador. Get it.

*Wendy Yemm (Crystal Lake, IL); *Alison Sutton (Pasadena, CA); *Nikki Labaschin (Chicago, IL); *Whitney Friel (Portland, OR); *Carolyn Tisch Blodgett (New York, NY); *Brooke Sutherland (Charlottesville, VA); *Kelsey Kroger (Chicago, IL); *McKenna O’Donnell (College Station, TX); *Jill Roberts (Beverly Hills, CA); *Nicole Pitchford (Southfield, MI); *Matt Lara (Topeka, KS); *Jessica Seitz (Minneapolis, MN); *Addie Diradoorian (Orange County, CA); *Camille Smith (Chicago, IL); *Clare Geyer (Mill Valley, CA); *Gail Choate (Plantation, FL); *Lisa Stenger (Chicago, IL); *Jillian Hermansky (San Diego, CA); *Sarah Robertson (La Jolla, CA); *Barbara Liberman (New York, NY); *Valerie Jarvis (Boston, MA); *Stephanie Palencia (Boston, MA); *Maria Moss (Savannah, GA); *Stephanie Vasiloff (Seattle, WA); *Leslie Chunta (Austin, TX); *Alicia Verdile (Washington, DC); *Katie Coats (Encinitas, CA); *Rachel Miles (Atlanta, GA); *Rebecca Kann (Suffern, NY); *Mary Carol Butterfield (Greenville, SC); *Brittany Rashkin (Tallahassee, FL); Ilene Salditch (Baltimore, MD); Pat O’Hara (Newport Beach, CA); Jennifer Haykin (New York, NY); Madeleine Sneeden (San Francisco, CA); Nellie Peyton (Paris, France); GauRav Khanna (New York, NY); Rachel Kirsch (Nashville, TN); Trenton Clark (Brisbane, Australia); Emma Trim (Los Angeles, CA); Everett Case (Bristol, CT); Allison Fehrenkamp (Houston, TX); Brittany Modell (New York, NY); Paula Hanninen (Maple Grove, MN); Amy Love (New York, NY); Brooke Schiowitz (New York, NY); Madelynn Vandenbrock (Dayton, OH); Doran Hastings (South Salem, NY); Cristina Dorta (Caracas, Venezuela); Isabel Ashley (Pleasanton, CA); Dena Logan (Dublin, OH); Buddy Gault (Rock Hill, SC); Molly Belkin (Syracuse, NY); David Bates (Seminole, FL); Mary Bandouan (Kings Park, NY); Omar Mojaddedi (Elk Grove, CA); Marie Hayes (Westford, MA); Jacquelyn Coster (Pineville, LA); Elyse Leff (New York, NY); Rachel Perry (Boston, MA); Dayna Hood (Knoxville, TN); Lauren Henley (Dallas, TX); Aaron Kessler (San Francisco, CA); Gail Marion (Thunder Bay, ON); Carly Tabak (San Francisco, CA); Aaron Riggs (Oskaloosa, IA); Alex DiPaola (Burtonsville, MD); Andrea Wikenheiser (San Diego, CA); Andrea Buchanan (Buffalo, NY); Emily Bowen (Visalia, CA)